Do you know the Four Agreements?
There are a lot of books that have changed my life, but one that I personally refer to time and time again is called the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, the four agreements seem so simple, and yet they continue to teach me to act as my highest Self, rather than my easily hurt and confused egoic self. These agreements come up for me nearly every day. The Four Agreements are:
Be impeccable with your word. This one seems as obvious as always being truthful and never telling lies. It mirrors the second yama of the Yoga Sutras: Satya- Truthfulness. But honesty has many subtleties. The way we communicate goes beyond the words we say, to how we actually uphold the things we believe, and how we speak without words. It also extends to what we silently say and believe about ourselves and our world. Being impeccably clear and truthful takes great awareness and care. Learning to fully express ourselves honestly, while caring for the well being of the whole, takes a lot of practice! I have found that many problems are avoided when I am clear, timely, present, direct, and compassionate in my communication. Studying Non-Violent Communication has really helped!
Don't take anything personally. This agreement is much easier said than done! This one is probably the most powerful for me, not only from the book, but among all the lessons I have learned in my life. Our ego is so easily offended and hurt by what we think others are doing to us or thinking about us. We all have a unique slant on the way we see reality, that stems from the way we were raised, our natural inclinations, and by all the experiences that we have had throughout our life. Everyone has their own story, and they way someone else sees US is really a reflection of how they see themselves. Pay attention next time a comment or action from someone else causes you to tense and feel offended. Remember that the way they SEE you is not who you ARE. Imagine their words like paint they are flinging at you. Rather than provide a canvas for the paint to land and make a big mess, imagine yourself like a great white open space where nothing can land, leaving yourself free to be whoever you want to be, and not affected by whatever someone else throws at you.
Don't make assumptions. You know what they say: “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” In day to day interactions with family, friends and acquaintances, I’ve often learned tough lessons on how many miscommunications and disappointments can be avoided by following this piece of advice, coupled with being impeccable with your word. I try to be very clear about any hopes or expectations I have, whether it’s what time I need my mom to drop my son off, or setting up a business agreement. When we’re clear about what we want and express ourselves with confidence, we’re far more likely to avoid mistakes and disappointments which benefits us and the people we’re interacting with.
Always do your best. Doing your best doesn’t mean getting things right, or putting in 100% of your effort every time. For me the point here is to recognize what we are capable of in each moment, and to show up in an authentic and compassionate way. Sometimes my best is full throttle, all in, total effort towards a goal or passion project or helping someone in need. And other times doing my best is gracefully bowing out, honoring my needs, and letting things be, knowing that I don’t always have to be changing the world. Oftentimes doing my best is making mistakes, reflecting on them, and growing from them. This agreement also reminds me that just as my best changes moment to moment, other people’s best changes too, and so I try to honor that everyone IS doing the best they can, with what they have to give.
This is such a brief reflection of a truly life changing book. There is more to it, and especially helpful is the concept of our domestication, or as I understand it, the conditioning that we’ve all undergone which has hugely impacted our perception of ourselves and the world. I highly recommend you get it if you haven’t read it yet, and even if you have, I recommend rereading it from time to time. It would also be thoughtful Christmas gift! If you’ve read it, reply and let me know how it impacted you! Maybe I should start a book club….
P.S. If you haven’t heard…I still have one more room available for my Awakened Heart Costa Rica Retreat this January. I’m so excited for all the yummy juicy rejuvenating things I plan to facilitate with this group of women, including Prana Vinyasa yoga, self massage, ayurveda, meditation, singing circles, dance, chakra balancing, breathwork, mindful eating, hot springs soaking, stand up paddleboarding, and simply enjoying the nature of Finca Luna Nueva (New Moon Farm). Find out more at www.awakenedheart.org.
