I have been hearing about the importance of self-love, and even teaching about it, for years. And yet, somehow, a lightbulb has only recently turned on that has showed me the ways in which I still don’t truly love myself. I have found it helpful to recognize when I’m not truly loving myself, because it helps me break the habit and shift it to a new one. This practice of cultivating the opposite is actually written in the Yoga Sutras. In Sanskrit it is called pratipaksha bhavanam. Recognizing when I’m being hard on myself, not forgiving myself, and not accepting my humanness, has made a big difference in my life and is leading me to an understanding of what self-love really is. I hope that the following signs help you to make a shift in the way you treat yourself. Because, what the world needs now, is love, sweet love, and it truly starts with each of us.
Note: I recognize my privileges (white, able-bodied, cis-gender, resourced) make some of these much easier for me to access than for people less privileged than me. I still believe there is something here for everyone, and I stand in solidarity with marginalized people to make this world more equitable for all. I am doing my best to learn about my privileges, and always looking for the ways I can be an ally to those with less.
5 Signs You Are NOT Fully Loving Yourself
and what Truly Loving Yourself really means
1. When you make a mistake, you dwell on it for days afterward, wishing you had done things “better” or differently.
Truly loving yourself means you accept that you are human and that making mistakes comes with the territory. You allow yourself to feel disappointed for a short time, and then, move on. You accept responsibility for what you did, consider why you did what you did (were you tired, irritable, feeling hurt, or pressured?), and think about how can do better next time, without beating yourself up.
2. You take others’ criticism or perceived dislike personally, and easily feel offended and defensive.
Truly loving yourself means you value yourself too much to spend much time worrying about what others say or think of you. You take feedback with a grain of salt, consider whether there is some truth there for you to look at and grow from, and then remind yourself that everyone has their own story and not to take it personally.
3. You feel stuck in a relationship or situation that feels toxic and unpleasant.
Truly loving yourself means extracting yourself as quickly as possible from situations that feel really bad to you, whether it’s a relationship, job, or even a conversation. This might take some time, especially if it’s a relationship with someone you live with, or a job that pays the bills, but you have a goal and are working towards it.
4. You constantly prioritize others’ needs and requests above your own.
Truly loving yourself means actively balancing others’ needs with your own, even your family’s. Your children (and maybe even your partner) need a lot of attention, and yet there are still ways to create time for your own self-care by cultivating strong boundaries. If you need time to yourself, you ask for what you need and negotiate to make it happen, while being sensitive to others’ needs. If you are a parent, this feels really hard, as you want to put your children first and show them that they are your priority. Remember, children learn self-care habits from you. What are you modeling to them?
5. When you look in the mirror, you see more to criticize than to appreciate.
Your body is the only one you get. It may not fit the narrow mold of what popular culture considers beautiful, and it may even need some attention to support you living in the best health you can. But if you don’t work on actively appreciating your body, you won’t have any true motivation to take care of it. Focus on the parts that you do like, and tenderly accept and love the parts you don’t. You may not feel like talking out loud to yourself in front of a mirror. Here are two other body image self-love practices I like: 1. Use the power of your loving touch to caress all the parts of you with the same care you would show a beloved pet or child. 2. Get naked and massage organic body oil from head to toe.