I consider myself a pretty aware person and I have strong intentions to be kind, compassionate, humble, and connected. But I make mistakes all the time. Sometimes I yell at my kid. I can be a brat to my beloved mom. I procrastinate. I show up late. I take things personally and act defensively. It sometimes seems like I mess up more now than I did when I was younger. But the truth is, I’m much more aware of myself now, and so I’m more acutely aware of my faults.
The path of self-awareness is profound but it can also be harsh. A friend recently brought up the idea of the “curse of wokeness”. Let me get one thing straight: I really don’t like the term “woke”. It irritates me. But I am a part of a culture of people who are trying to become more fully present with ourselves, our world, and our true nature. And I’ve noticed a common thread amongst us: we’re more aware of both our shadows and gifts, and more willing to own up to our darkness, as well as our greatness. The challenge of self-awareness is when its shadow side emerges: self-consciousness, and the frustration at not yet being fully self-realized, connected, and awake.
Buddhist teacher Christina Feldman says, “It can seem that being aware and opening our hearts to sorrow makes us suffer more. It is true that awareness brings with it an increased sensitivity to our inner and outer worlds. Awareness opens our hearts and minds to a world of pain and distress that previously only glanced off the surface of consciousness.” At first glance, this passage seems to refer to the extreme suffering of the vast amount of people who are in the throws of war, marginalization, or poverty. But I know she means the everyday sorrows too, the heartbreaks, the arguments with our loved ones, the mistakes we make, the frustrations and disappointments we all face. Because suffering has no hierarchy, and so neither should compassion. “Compassion listens to the cries of the world, and we are part of that world.”
A challenge on the path of awareness is the tendency to develop compassion for people who we perceive as suffering, and yet not extend the same compassion to ourselves. According to Feldman, the Buddha once said that you could search the world and not find any person more deserving of your love and compassion than yourself. And yet, in my experience, it is hardest to practice self-compassion, especially when we make mistakes.
As Alexander Pope famously said, “To err is human. To forgive is divine.” Forgiveness is born of compassion. We forgive our children for their mistakes because of our clear understanding that they are learning and growing and bound to make mistakes as they do. But at some point as adults we start to believe we should have learned all the lessons by now, and are hard on ourselves when we repeat old patterns. We don’t tend to give ourselves the same leeway we would a child, or even another adult.
I’ve noticed this in myself quite a bit this year, after the stresses that 2020 brought. The most important practice I have right now is not deepening my backbends, or strengthening my glutes (though my daily embodiment practice IS essential to my body, mind, and soul). The practice that is changing my life is self-empathy. The most profound practice I’ve been cultivating is speaking positive affirmations to myself. The other day I spent my entire 30-minute drive telling myself, “I deserve” and “I am worthy of”, followed by all the things I know EVERYONE deserves, such as love from my family, kindness, forgiveness, respect, safety, peace, clean water, a comfortable home, pure air, leaders who look out for my best interest... Some of them were hard to say, and some even made me cry. I highly recommend you try it!
Thank you for reading this. I wonder if you resonate with this. If you also need to practice more compassion for yourself, if you sometimes don’t think you deserve all the love in the world, if you are sometimes critical of yourself and self-conscious about your mistakes… I see you. You are human. And you are divine. We all make mistakes. But the wisdom teachings tell us that our true nature is divine. If we are truly to believe this, then we must learn to forgive ourselves for our faults, and truly give ourselves the love that is our birthright. Only by truly offering ourselves this absolute compassion, can we truly connect with, and offer unconditional love, to others.